The Sex Shop #LoRy

Last week I left you all off with Ry and I in the bakery ordering his cake. I told him he owes me a tickler for everything he’s put me through this whole day. Now we are off to the sex shop and hopefully make someone’s day...

...Hopefully...

After much bickering, swearing, and perhaps a hand gesture or two we finally agreed on which place to visit with snakes in the purse...

Pulling up to the shop I am slightly mortified as to what may happen. Okay, okay so I am mortified and terrified. I’ve already had a hellaish day and dubbed “maid of horror.” I need a drink. Like now.

Ry: Sweeeetie! I am so excited! Oh meh gawd!

I am in slight horror but only slight. Ry holds the door open for me as we walk into the shop. He immediately zeros in on the BDSM wall. Not kidding. I.M.M.E.D.I.A.T.E.L.Y. Get the picture?

There are two lovely ladies working. One is older and one younger but they look like they could be sisters. Could be. Now I have no idea what their names are so for the take of this post the older one will be "T" and the younger "J." You may fill in your own names! XD

Ry pulls me really close: Sweetie... Guess what?

I just know this is bad because he's "whispering" to me: Huh?

Ry: SEVEN GAYES OF HELL!! -he rushes off damn near knocking me over and startling the two "sisters" into a slight jump and a squeak-

L: Dude, it's Seven Gates of Hell _-_

R: No! No! Sweetie!! -he waves a finger at me over his shoulder- Seven Gayes of Hell. -he looks at the three different kinds-

L: Why the fuck do you rename everything? -I pick up the one with the actual metal rings, screw that plastic shiz-

Ry: Becuzz I can. -he snatches the gates away from me- AND mine is more entertaining. Oh Sweetie! Nakid boy calendars... Sweetie... -he's in awe-

I ignore him to go look at dildos for him to buy me! I deserve it, right? I wonder through isles and around objects that I'd rather not know what they're for but I know anyway for whole three minutes. Can you believe it? A whole three minutes and then...

Ry: Sweeeetie! You are so making me a penis cake!! Lookit!!! 

I'd like to say  that he and I are only ones in the shop besides the staff. I'd really like too but I cannot because it'd be a lie... unfortunately. Two couples browse more in the clothes section while three other single goers look about. One single goers cheeks were red with embarrassment when we walked in. You should see them now. 

L: Realistic penis or cartoon humongous penis? -I shout across the store back- Oh lookit! JackOff helper for you!

I make my way over to him with the jelly beady tube thingy: Add some lube and this would do nicely.

Ry: LUBE!! I need lube! -he scurries off to the multiple lubes- Just keep lubing, just keep lubing, Just keep lubing, lubing, lubing, What do we do? We lube, lube, lube. Lalalalahaha I like to lube and when I want to lube. Iiiii just keep lubing, just keep lubing, just keep lubing, lubing, lubing. -he continues for like ever- 

The "sisters" keep giggling and laughing at him while I continue my perusing of all the lovely toys. The blushy girl catches me eye with a small smile. 

Random Blushy Girl:Is he gay? -she asks very shly-

I pick up a glass dildo... it's pretty: Only when he's sober.

Random Blushy Girl: O.O Huh?

L: Only when he's sober. Drunk he's bi.

Random Blushy Girl: Ohh.. well that's...

L: Aw I'm just kidding. He's a total fag. Don't call him that though or he'll screech like a banshy.

Random Blushy Girl: .......

Ry: Don't call me what? Look!

L: 0.0 Holy shit dude that's the biggest bottle of lube I've ever seen...

His face is full of pride cradling the bottle to his chest. He might've been stroking it like a beloved cat... Might've....: Isn't it beautiful! T got it for me in the back. Call me what?

L: Fag.

Ry: Only you can call me that cuz you're my FagHag!! -I am literally crushed to his chest in a hug-

L: Dude! I'm not a hag! I'm to pretty!

Random Voice that is not Random Blushy Girl: Shit yeah you are.

 L: Huh?

Ry: What?

We both look to another single goer: I said she's to pretty to be a hag. Beautifully breathtakingly so. 

I'm being hit on by a lesbian. -_- Now as my bio states I am bisexual myself BUT to be openly looking at me like a sex toy in the sex shop is not ok. So not ok. 

Ry: Sorry deary but she's mine. Can't have her. End of Story. Go away.

L: O.O -the random blushy girl was smart and slid away, I wish to follow her-

Lesbian: Snappy little ass pirate boy ain't you. Back off and let her talk for herself. -she looks at me- Whatcha say baby?

L: O,o

Ry: -steps in front of me shielding from her creepy look,  seriously, she's a creepier- Back off carpet cruncher trust me you're not her type.

L: o.o -this is true she's not, I prefer a put together manly-esk woman or a cute little pixie thing, not... well... her-

Lesbian: Fuck off somewhere bitch.

L: -_-  -she just said what to my Ryan?-

Ry: Love to but you fugly self killed my hard on.

L: ^.^

Lesbian: -she's obviously offended by this- What do you know stupid faggot.

L: -she just said what? oh I've had it- Excuse me? -I shove Ry out of the way- What the fuck did you just say? First off I am not your baby. Second do not call my boy that. Back off. 

Lesbian: O.O

Ry: Sweetie I love your new necklace. -he giggles-

In all the commotion I might've not noticed Rexley slithering out of my purse and up my arm to curl around my neck. Okay, okay, so I did notice. I just didn't do anything about it. XD

J: Excuse me ma'am but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You are disturbing other customers. 

Lesbian: Hell yeah she is with that thing!

J: Ma'am I mean you. Please leave and do not come back. If you'd like we have an online store where you can make all future purchases.

Lesbian at this time blows a gasket yelling profanities and all sorts of lovely nonsense. Ry and I simply blink at her sillyness. Eventually the two "sisters" manage to get her out the door with several apologies to the rest of us good customers. 

L: So realistic penis or cartoon humongous penis?

Ry: -stands there watching the lesbian continue her temper tantrum outside- Realistic with a brazilian. 

L: I'm so going over board with  this and no I won't tell you anything.

Ry: -pouts- Fine. -pauses- You know Sweetie that's the first time we've got someone else banned from a store. 

L: Indeed.

Ry: Let's do it more often!!

L: -_-  Idiot...

Rexley: -I think I'll see how tight I can squeeze before mother banishes me back to me darken bag- 

In case you're wondering I didn't find a tickler that tickled my fancy that day so Ry still owes me one. He did purchase the Seven Gayes of Hell, the jack off helper, and the gianormous bottle of lube. He's happy to report that all purchases made are being put to good use in many naughty ways. I told him that I don't doubt it.

...Next Week's Post...

...The Adventure to Find a Venue...