The Sex Shop #LoRy

Last week I left you all off with Ry and I in the bakery ordering his cake. I told him he owes me a tickler for everything he’s put me through this whole day. Now we are off to the sex shop and hopefully make someone’s day...

...Hopefully...

After much bickering, swearing, and perhaps a hand gesture or two we finally agreed on which place to visit with snakes in the purse...

Pulling up to the shop I am slightly mortified as to what may happen. Okay, okay so I am mortified and terrified. I’ve already had a hellaish day and dubbed “maid of horror.” I need a drink. Like now.

Ry: Sweeeetie! I am so excited! Oh meh gawd!

I am in slight horror but only slight. Ry holds the door open for me as we walk into the shop. He immediately zeros in on the BDSM wall. Not kidding. I.M.M.E.D.I.A.T.E.L.Y. Get the picture?

There are two lovely ladies working. One is older and one younger but they look like they could be sisters. Could be. Now I have no idea what their names are so for the take of this post the older one will be "T" and the younger "J." You may fill in your own names! XD

Ry pulls me really close: Sweetie... Guess what?

I just know this is bad because he's "whispering" to me: Huh?

Ry: SEVEN GAYES OF HELL!! -he rushes off damn near knocking me over and startling the two "sisters" into a slight jump and a squeak-

L: Dude, it's Seven Gates of Hell _-_

R: No! No! Sweetie!! -he waves a finger at me over his shoulder- Seven Gayes of Hell. -he looks at the three different kinds-

L: Why the fuck do you rename everything? -I pick up the one with the actual metal rings, screw that plastic shiz-

Ry: Becuzz I can. -he snatches the gates away from me- AND mine is more entertaining. Oh Sweetie! Nakid boy calendars... Sweetie... -he's in awe-

I ignore him to go look at dildos for him to buy me! I deserve it, right? I wonder through isles and around objects that I'd rather not know what they're for but I know anyway for whole three minutes. Can you believe it? A whole three minutes and then...

Ry: Sweeeetie! You are so making me a penis cake!! Lookit!!! 

I'd like to say  that he and I are only ones in the shop besides the staff. I'd really like too but I cannot because it'd be a lie... unfortunately. Two couples browse more in the clothes section while three other single goers look about. One single goers cheeks were red with embarrassment when we walked in. You should see them now. 

L: Realistic penis or cartoon humongous penis? -I shout across the store back- Oh lookit! JackOff helper for you!

I make my way over to him with the jelly beady tube thingy: Add some lube and this would do nicely.

Ry: LUBE!! I need lube! -he scurries off to the multiple lubes- Just keep lubing, just keep lubing, Just keep lubing, lubing, lubing, What do we do? We lube, lube, lube. Lalalalahaha I like to lube and when I want to lube. Iiiii just keep lubing, just keep lubing, just keep lubing, lubing, lubing. -he continues for like ever- 

The "sisters" keep giggling and laughing at him while I continue my perusing of all the lovely toys. The blushy girl catches me eye with a small smile. 

Random Blushy Girl:Is he gay? -she asks very shly-

I pick up a glass dildo... it's pretty: Only when he's sober.

Random Blushy Girl: O.O Huh?

L: Only when he's sober. Drunk he's bi.

Random Blushy Girl: Ohh.. well that's...

L: Aw I'm just kidding. He's a total fag. Don't call him that though or he'll screech like a banshy.

Random Blushy Girl: .......

Ry: Don't call me what? Look!

L: 0.0 Holy shit dude that's the biggest bottle of lube I've ever seen...

His face is full of pride cradling the bottle to his chest. He might've been stroking it like a beloved cat... Might've....: Isn't it beautiful! T got it for me in the back. Call me what?

L: Fag.

Ry: Only you can call me that cuz you're my FagHag!! -I am literally crushed to his chest in a hug-

L: Dude! I'm not a hag! I'm to pretty!

Random Voice that is not Random Blushy Girl: Shit yeah you are.

 L: Huh?

Ry: What?

We both look to another single goer: I said she's to pretty to be a hag. Beautifully breathtakingly so. 

I'm being hit on by a lesbian. -_- Now as my bio states I am bisexual myself BUT to be openly looking at me like a sex toy in the sex shop is not ok. So not ok. 

Ry: Sorry deary but she's mine. Can't have her. End of Story. Go away.

L: O.O -the random blushy girl was smart and slid away, I wish to follow her-

Lesbian: Snappy little ass pirate boy ain't you. Back off and let her talk for herself. -she looks at me- Whatcha say baby?

L: O,o

Ry: -steps in front of me shielding from her creepy look,  seriously, she's a creepier- Back off carpet cruncher trust me you're not her type.

L: o.o -this is true she's not, I prefer a put together manly-esk woman or a cute little pixie thing, not... well... her-

Lesbian: Fuck off somewhere bitch.

L: -_-  -she just said what to my Ryan?-

Ry: Love to but you fugly self killed my hard on.

L: ^.^

Lesbian: -she's obviously offended by this- What do you know stupid faggot.

L: -she just said what? oh I've had it- Excuse me? -I shove Ry out of the way- What the fuck did you just say? First off I am not your baby. Second do not call my boy that. Back off. 

Lesbian: O.O

Ry: Sweetie I love your new necklace. -he giggles-

In all the commotion I might've not noticed Rexley slithering out of my purse and up my arm to curl around my neck. Okay, okay, so I did notice. I just didn't do anything about it. XD

J: Excuse me ma'am but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You are disturbing other customers. 

Lesbian: Hell yeah she is with that thing!

J: Ma'am I mean you. Please leave and do not come back. If you'd like we have an online store where you can make all future purchases.

Lesbian at this time blows a gasket yelling profanities and all sorts of lovely nonsense. Ry and I simply blink at her sillyness. Eventually the two "sisters" manage to get her out the door with several apologies to the rest of us good customers. 

L: So realistic penis or cartoon humongous penis?

Ry: -stands there watching the lesbian continue her temper tantrum outside- Realistic with a brazilian. 

L: I'm so going over board with  this and no I won't tell you anything.

Ry: -pouts- Fine. -pauses- You know Sweetie that's the first time we've got someone else banned from a store. 

L: Indeed.

Ry: Let's do it more often!!

L: -_-  Idiot...

Rexley: -I think I'll see how tight I can squeeze before mother banishes me back to me darken bag- 

In case you're wondering I didn't find a tickler that tickled my fancy that day so Ry still owes me one. He did purchase the Seven Gayes of Hell, the jack off helper, and the gianormous bottle of lube. He's happy to report that all purchases made are being put to good use in many naughty ways. I told him that I don't doubt it.

...Next Week's Post...

...The Adventure to Find a Venue...

The Icing on the Cake. #LoRy

Last week I left you all at the Tuxedo shop with Ry dancing on pole and a mortified butler holding my purse full of snakes. Now for the cake tasting. May God help us all.

Walking inside I am more than surprised at the size of this bakery. I mean it’s humongous! Like upstairs, down stairs, and floor big. That’s three stories of bakery!! Anyways Ry and I walk up to the lovely lady behind the counter to let her know that we are here for our cake tasting appointment. Blah, blah, blah.

About fifteen minutes later Ry and I found ourselves in a private room with several cake choices in front of us. I frown at the vanilla. I dislike vanilla cake but LOVE chocolate cake. Ry always makes fun of me considering I’m not that big of fan of chocolate but anyways... I put my purse between us to keep an eye on it to make sure my kids don’t escape into the bakery. Now that would be bad now wouldn’t it?

The first two samples went off smoothly. The kind employee who’s name tag read “Melinda” explains the various cakes I am being forced to eat.

The third cake is where things got to be a little interesting. I’m sitting minding my own business. Tasting cake. Tons and tons of cake. Melinda is talking sweetly. Small chit chat type things that spoke of politeness.

L: -tasting a fork full of yet another vanilla type cake I see a finger coming at me out of the corner of my eye- Ry I know the frosting looks like sperm. No need to say anything.

Ry: -he blinks at me several times before licking his finger clean- Oh good just checking.

Melinda coughs.

L: Ry hun you’re really on a sperm trip today. Well this afternoon mostly.

Ry: I know, I know. Oh are we going to the sex shop after this?

Melinda coughs some more.

L: Certainly I up for more abuse.

Ry: -smiles-

Three cakes later I am vanillaed out! No more vanilla. I refuse. Not happening. So thank the Lord a chocolate cake makes an appearance!

L: -once again I’m minding my own business eating my delicious chocolate cake when I see a chocolate frosting coated finger heading my way, I sigh, heavily-  Ry I know it looks like shit when your partner doesn’t thoroughly douche.

Poor Melinda. Red-faced doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Not even a little bit.

Ry: How’d you know that’s what I was going to say?

L: -leaning over I suck the delicious frosting from his finger- Because hun I know you all to well.

Ry: True enough. Least I don’t have snakes in the purse.

Melinda coughs again. Her eyes wide. I mean seriously they could be saucers.

Ry: Sweetie gimmee your phone I wanna check the weather.

I had it over without much thought. All he wants is to check the weather right?

Snatching his uneaten chocolate cake I hastily finish it off. Can’t waste chocolate cake. Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Then I hear it.

IT!

L: -_- Ryan if you’re going to look up porn on my phone it better at least be decent. Not that second rate crap shit with fake everything. Really now?

Ry: Sweetie! I was only browsing no need to get testy!

L: And stop looking up porn on my phone! I’m going to get a virus!

I think Melinda faints. I’m not really sure seeing as how I’m trying to get my phone back from a very long limbed gay boy. Eventually I succeed and poor Melinda is rescued by a coworker leaving Ry and I alone in the cake tasting room.

Good idea or bad idea?

I still don’t know the answer BUT from her face upon returning to see that we had made a “house” from all the cake samples I’d say it was a BAD idea. But like I said I can’t really be sure on the subject.

After all this Ry and I found ourselves in the front paying for the cake Ry had indeed eventually chosen. Melinda is nowhere in sight.

Ry wonders off to look at something shiny leaving me to wait for the receipt.

R: Sweetie!

L: -oh God-

R: Sweeeeetie!

L: -this boy will be the death of me I just know it- Huh?

R: Look Sweetie! It’s a cake dildo!

L: Ry it’s a princess’ castle.

R: Oh Sweetie that’s just what they’ll have you believe! Oh I did find a lovely porn! Give your phone back I wanna show you! Gimmee!!

L: -I am tackled by a gay boy, literally- Damnit RYAN NO! Not on my phone! –I try to wriggle away-

Ry: But Sweeeeeeetie!

L: NO!

R: v.v Alright fine you win this round but I’m not buying you a dildo at the sex shop!

L: Like fucking hell! You most certainly are especially after alllllll that you put me through today! I deserve a tickler! Now get the fuck off me!

Ry: Did you say fuck? But Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeetie! Here in public oh your exhibitionist you! Sit on the counter! Spread um!

L: Shut the hell up! You’re gay remember. Now let me go!

Ry: Formalities honey! I think I could get it up for you!

Random Voice: Uhhh your receipt ma’am?

The both of us turn to the mortified cashier gentleman. And the staff upstairs looking at us over the rot iron balcony. And the staff downstairs in the kitchens looking up. And the other customers looking at us.

L: -_- You so owe me a dildo for this.

And that my lovely #LoRy fans was our delightful little adventure in the bakery.

...Next Week...

...The Sex Shop...

Tuxedo's 101 #LoRy

Last week we left off with Ry and I driving off after tormenting the staff at a local Chick Fil A. Today we will similarly torture the staff of a custom tuxedo tailoring shop.

Walking up to the tuxedo shop I held the door open for Ry as he strolled in like he owned the place. Taking off his sunglasses he puts them in a special pocket on the inside of his coat.

A younger butler looking like man came up offering to hang out coats. What the hell? I thought to myself as handed over my jacket and Ry likewise did the same.

Believe it or not nothing overtly sexual happened for a good twenty minutes. I think it was because Ry was tooooooo wrapped up in looking for the perfect tux. Although he did manage to find one of those pimp cane things and walked around stroking it while looking at everything. But for Ry that's not all that bad. I stood semi near the front looking at some pretty fancy ass cuff-links in a display case when I spotted it. How the hell I didn't see it before I will never. 

But there it was.

In plain sight.

I inwardly groaned.

I just know this will not end well.

Not end well at all. 

It's humanly impossible. 

There in the middle of the room running from floor to ceiling is a pipe. 

A very stripper pole like pipe. 

This isn't going to be good. 

I can just feel it.

Looking up two older butler looking men are standing rather close by glancing around I see the younger butler who took our jackets just behind me and to the left. 

L: Is that pipe structurally needed or is it decoration or something?

The older of the two butlers whom I've named Bob in my head answered.

Bob: No, my dear, it was installed purely for architectural sake. Modern I do believe they call it, Why ever do you ask?

L: -looking back down at the cuff-links- Oh no reason. -I shrug- 

I kid no you not, no really I'm not, not even a minute later I hear a sharp intake of breath. 

What the hell now... Looking up Bob looks horrified. The other older butler whom I've named Jerry looks to be some sort of shock. Glancing over my left shoulder the young butler looks to  be in complete disbelief. 

I blatantly refuse to look.

L: Do I even want to know what he's doing?

I didn't really ask anyone in particular and well no one answered me. Then I heard it...

R: SWEETIE!! I'VE SO GOT TO GET ME ONE OF THESE!!!

I can't avoid it anymore. 

I look.

There he is. 

Twirling on the pipe. 

Like a stripper.

Dancing with the pipe.

Like a stripper. 

It's official.

He's a closet stripper.

I knew it.

L: Hun, can you please stop dancing on these fine gentlemen's pipe?

R: -laughs- Oh Sweetie I don't think they mind. -twirls-

L: Ry my love. -as a name them off I point to each one- Shock. Horror. Disbelief. Now can you please stop dancing on their pipe?

R: -he stops long enough to look at all three butlers- But Sweetie I loooooooooove this pipe. -he twirls again-

L: Ry do not make me use your full name.

R: -he literally skids to a stop- You wouldn't dare! o.O

L: -I cross my arms- Try me.

R: -pouts- Fine you spoilsport but I want one these in my house!

L: Fine. Fine. Fine. Ill but you one. Now is there anything you like in here besides the pipe?

R: -leans on the pipe crossing his arms- I like him just fine.

L: -I look to the young butler- Ry you cannot fuck the staff.

The young butlers face went a little something like this. O.O o.O o.o x.x

Not kidding.

R: Why not? -he whines-

L: RYAN! -I stomp my foot-

R: Fine. Fine. Fine. I'll behave.

After this I managed to get the butlers in working, functioning mode once again. Don't ask me how because I honestly have no idea. I would love to tell you that our torment for the butlers ends here but alas the answer is no. There is more... 

Two hours later and several tux's consequently thrown over a dressing room door (landing mostly on me) Ry finally found exactly what he's looking for. Thank God. 

R: Now Sweetie you do know that you're not wearing a dress you're wearing a tux!

L: >.< I'm what?

R: YES!

Apparently he's immune to my glare. Damn.

Ry marches me up to the front where the young butler looks like he's about to faint being this close to Ry. I don't blame him in the least.

L: HEY! -I scream as Ry snatches my purse from me handing it to the horrified young butler-

R: Is for horses now march! -he steers me away to go look at tux's uninhibited by my purse- Oh and don't squish the purse!! Not only is it Coach but it has snakes in it!

Young Butler: WHAT!!

R: I know I was horrified too! It's Coach for Christ sakes! 

Young Butler: Oh hell no! -I see him hurriedly put my purse down on the counter- There was a snake in my toilet when I was little. Oh hell fuck no! -he hightails it into the back-

L: Way to go Ry you scared off the man candy.

R: Damn and he had a nice ass too.

So this concludes our torture of the tuxedo shop. 

...Next week...

...The Icing on the Cake...